Friday April 1st 2016 was my favorite day at Trinity Christian College: FORMAL. It gives students on Trinity's campus a chance to dress up and truly be creative with their fashion choices. My college does not have a Homecoming or anything else so Formal is really the true time to become lit. I love dressing up and so does everyone one else (well not everyone) and it is also a way to have clean fun (we are a Christian school). I was really glad to be there with my friends and just have fun. Each one of us got our spotlight like celebrities so that felt great.
I have been in an unofficial relationship for a while now. I let this one person go and even almost moved on. After I thought I had enough time alone I wanted to date someone again and I told them how I felt (honestly those feeling came out of nowhere), and he did not feel the same. I do not know what hurt the most the rejection or the fact that I went back to a toxic relationship as a comfort zone. I am going to go with the toxic relationship. It is always funny to me how much hurt I have experienced at a Christian college, but I had to realize no one is perfect and not everyone that says they follow Christ really do. I know deep down inside like any other person I just wanted to be loved and accepted. I wanted him to care for me. I could hear God saying "He's not the one" yet for some reason I just kept running back. Each time I wanted to believe he was actually going to be "nice" or "caring" but he did not. I just ended up in tears and emotionally raped. I was in a dark place and I feel like he's trying to pull me back into it. Yet, this time I have a choice. Go back or do not. I think it is best for me to let it go. I am not a relationship expert, but I can give the best advice I can and provide some links. I just want to say that I thought that emotional abuse was a joke it is not. I think as women we think that as long as someone is not hitting us then it must not be abuse. Still, he would call me fat, or did not want to be seen with me in public or would play mind games with me. It was hard I struggled with body image issues and self acceptance growing up, and just like any young woman in her 20's I am still struggling. Rejection is truly in my eyesight the root of all sin. I truly believe that as humans we want to be accepted. On Friday I almost fell into that hole again. He manipulated me again and I reacted with rage and hurt. I wanted to expose him because to everyone in the room he was this good looking charming young male. Only I knew the truth. I knew the times when he would call after 11pm and I would have to walk all the way across campus at night hoping that this time it would be different. I remember feeling totally violated after he would leave me and feeling worthless. I remember feeling so worthless and ashamed to even talk to God because I felt like everyone would judge me. I remember seeing him around campus and he would be flirting with every girl like he did not even know I existed. And all I could do is compare myself and ask myself "What does she have that I don't?" I remember crying myself to sleep and I remember God tugging on my heart through it all. I wanted to show everyone the hurt he caused me but that would not have helped would it? I have learned with tears streaming down my eyes, that forgiveness is key no matter how hard it hurts. I have learned that sometimes the reason why we desire love so much is because we really need and want God to love us. Is this journey of self love and acceptance going to be easy NO. But I am going to try.
I almost let him ruin my night but I had good friends that supported me. That helped me dry the tears before anyone else could see. I think that is the key depending on God, loving yourself, and having a good support system. People say know your self worth so easily like it is that easy it can be a challenge, if you are not putting your all into Christ. In the end I found out that it is better to have a great time with friends then to ruin 35 dollar Chanel mascara on a guy that doesn't care about you. What hurt the most is that I truly cared for him and he knew that by charming the other girls would hurt me deeply. I have learned to walk away, and have a great time with my girls and Antoine lol. There is still a great pain that resonates with me but in due time God will heal my wounds and broken heart. I am so glad I was able to have my galpals back me up and realize that God loves me more than some creep ever could. I think we need to bring more awareness to emotional abuse because sometimes it can feel like emotional rape. If anyone is ever going through depression or emotional abuse I would say seek out help from counselors, friends family, and pray about it but make sure you tell someone. Never think self love is easy it is a PROCESS. Be blessed!
PSALMS 139
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